awakenerd | Aurora - Rean Heart

"Well... Yes." Guilty as charged.

[ He's not really surprised. He'd wondered before. ]

So... is there any reason why?

[ He's not interested in chasing down any memory Rean doesn't feel like sharing on his own, but it's the "why" he's really been wondering. ]

"A lot of what I remember isn't that relevant. Some of it's very sad. And it's all... Just things that have happened in the past, to me.

Some of it would probably be upsetting to you or Randy or others. I don't really want to upset you, so there's no reason to bring things up."

Rean...

[ Crow squeezes his hand. ]

You know how you want to be there for me, to help me whenever I'm troubled, to listen to me when I need someone? Not to keep everything bottled inside?

"That's different."

How is it different?

"Because you matter."

[ Rean had to have known Crow wouldn't be happy with that answer and sure enough, he's not happy. He's trying very hard to stay calm on the surface but he knows Rean knows. ]

You know, I think you're missing one very important detail when you say things like that.

"I know you care about me."

It's not just that you care about me, that you matter to me. Although you know-- you do. But I want to be there for you every bit as much as you want to be there for me. I want you to feel like you can confide in me, that you can tell me things. I want to upset me with those things. I don't care just about the good things or the pleasant ones.

"I don't want to burden you. I know I'm a hypocrite. But... You do so much for me. Asking for any more... I can't. It's not that I think you're only interested in the good things or happy times. I have never once even considered that.

You're already always there looking out for me. At my age shouldn't it be the other way around?

Even if you disagree with that, I still don't want you to spend your time worrying about me."

[ Crow is quiet for a moment, locks up some feeling in his heart before it has a chance to fully form. ]

....Then I hope you understand when I start taking my memories on my own.

[ It'll take longer to regain them that way, but... ]

It's not like I want to worry you, either.

"..."

His heart doesn't try to hide the confused hurt here.

"That's not what I..."

[ He feels that confused hurt and he genuinely feels bad about it, but he tries to keep himself steady. ]

If you don't trust me, that's fine.

[ It's not like he isn't aware he can be shady as hell! ]

But you know... it's kinda painful to keep putting myself out there. And it feels pretty one-sided when I'm the only one who relies on you, when you don't rely on me back. So I'm keeping it equal.

I won't ask more of you than you can give me.

"...?"

He's even more upset, and more confused too, sitting up to look at Crow.

"I do trust you though."

But this is bad. He's hurt Crow. He doesn't know what to do about it either. He's also trying to keep calm but the fact that Crow is withdrawing from him emotionally here of all places, with him, is making him a little pale.

[ Crow sees the way Rean is going pale and he debates with himself for a moment before letting that feeling he locked up out. Rean's already guessed what it is anyway-- he's hurt. ]

You know it doesn't feel that way when you're more concerned about not burdening me, right?

I want you to feel like you can rely on me, like it's okay to lean on me. I want to be there for you. It doesn't sound like a burden if you let me worry about you-- that sounds like a privilege. Let me see the bad things, let me see the sad things. Let me see the ugly things. Because those things are a part of you too. And I love all of you, not just the parts you feel aren't a burden.

He steadies a little, but he's less relaxed. He's listening, his voice quiet.

"...Okay."

[ Crow sits up properly. ]

I... know I'm asking a lot of you. I'm sorry about that.

"N-no! No. You're not asking anything. I'm sorry. I didn't consider how you felt..."

Rean.

[ Crow pulls Rean closer to him, wraps his arms around him. ]

Your feelings are important, too.

"I really didn't think about how it might hurt you. I'm sorry."

It's alright, I don't expect you to be perfect. That's my job.

[ He's teasing, hoping to get a smile out of Rean. ]

He does smile! A little. He doesn't respond with sass though.

"Thanks."

[ Well, a smile is still an important start! ]

More seriously, I know you have a hard time caring about yourself.

[ LIKE, HE HAS NOTICED. ]

Buuut I'm always happy to pick up the slack there. So just rely on me and I'll rely on you. And if it's ever too much, I won't make you guess. Sound like a deal?

He looks at Crow for a long moment, still tense. Breathing in and out slowly.

He does know what Crow means of course. He absolutely does understand. And he wants to respond positively. But Crow closing him out was... Honestly bad. Very bad. He's having to sort through his own panic to try to be logical. He wants to just agree to appease Crow but that's the opposite of a good reason to agree. Figuring out if he wants to agree for himself is impossible right this second. And refusing to agree will only hurt Crow.

"Crow... Please give me... A moment."

He's still got that smile but it's kind of stiff.

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