awakenerd | Aurora - Rean Heart

"...."

Crow pulls away and Rean gets tenser.

"I need to ask. What if I did say no? Would you close me out?"

[ Crow's quiet for a long moment, trying to collect his thoughts. To give Rean an honest answer. He would have to try very deliberately not to shut Rean out. It's instinct, self-preservation. It hurts too much to trust someone, to be open with him if he can't do the same in return.

But Rean is worth trying for. And really, maybe he deserves not to have that trust. It's not like hadn't screwed Rean over already here. "Dangersnake" was never far from his thoughts these days. ]

I won't shut you out.

[ He means it. ]

He exhales, eyes sliding closed and tears falling down his cheeks. The tension doesn't bleed out yet, but he tentatively puts his face on Crow's shoulder and shudders while his tears fall.

"You don't owe me--you don't have to feel guilty, please."

[ Crow wraps his arms slowly around Rean again. ]

Honestly, I think it's better if I do feel that guilt. If I remember how it feels, I won't make that mistake again. ...Hurting you wasn't worth it.

[ He strokes Rean's hair. ]

But... I wasn't agreeing because I think I owe you. At least, that wasn't the main reason. It's that even if you can't rely on me, even if it the thought hurts... you're always gonna be worth it to me.

He's shaking his head. Also shaking a little in general as the tension drains and he starts to cry harder. Which isn't actually helpful to explaining but Crow did want to see him vulnerable.

Well he's pretty shaken and holding onto Crow with an increasingly stronger grip. Never painful, but almost desperate.

"It's not that!"

[ Crow will continue to hold onto Rean, tightening his own grip in an attempt to help anchor him even if he doesn't understand the problem. ]

Man... if the problem isn't "I'm an untrustworthy asshole" then I don't actually know where I fucked up here.

He's shaking harder, wrapping his arms around Crow kind of... Clingy.

"Do you know where you are? What I am?"

I know I'm.... in some kind of representation of Rean and that you're a part of him.

[ So no, he doesn't realize this is the True Heart he's been speaking to. ]

"I am... I don't know what the right words should be. I am Me. All of Me but also the heart of Me. Of Rean. You, here, in my soul... You can see any aspect of me you want to.

But this, me, I'm me. Both the same and not the same as me outside. The heart of Rean's heart is me."

[ And this is where Crow realizes how badly he fucked up. ]

[ He buries his face into Rean's hair. ]

Haha, doesn't that just figure...? I ask you to be straight with me and then when you're trying, I shut out the most important part of you.

[ He really is an asshole, isn't he? Hurt feelings don't compare to that. ]

....And I nearly lost the most important thing to me, didn't I...?

[ He holds onto Rean a little more tightly. ]

I'm sorry, Rean.

He shakes his head, crawling into Crow's lap and wrapping his arms tighter around him, finally releasing the panic in a shuddering breath, holding onto Crow too tightly to be comfortable before he makes himself loosen his hold.

"No... You didn't know. You didn't mean to--If you really wanted to break our bond, you could, here. But I know you don't--I just... If I said yes because I was afraid of you rejecting me, it would be the same as not being able to say no. I panicked. I wasn't clear. I hurt your feelings, too. I know how hard it is for you to be open and vulnerable."

He's talking a little fast, now that he's not just straight up petrified.

"You don't have to be sorry. It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. You really didn't. I don't mind when you need to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself... Anywhere else, you don't have to be open to me if you don't want to. Just here, don't reject me here. Please. Not unless you mean it to stick."

[ Crow doesn't care how comfortable it is, he'll hold onto Rean every bit as tightly and for as long as he needs it. ]

I would never reject you on purpose. Maybe it's selfish, but I like being yours. I like you being mine. That a piece of ourselves are connected to each other, down to our souls. If I have my way, you'll never get rid of me. Unless you really wanted it, of course.

[ He presses a kiss into Rean's hair. ]

You don't have to decide right now whether or not you want to rely on me any more than you already are. The important thing is that you trusted me enough to contract with me, and I don't ever want to lose you.

Edited 2020-02-14 08:51 (UTC)

The confirmation, verbally and in Crow's sincere feelings, helps calm Rean down too. His breathing steadying more, relaxing against Crow, voice growing calmer. He doesn't let go yet though.

"It's important to you. I don't want to lose you either.

I want you to know how much I love you. Relying... More than I am is hard. I'll try. Please remind me, too. I might not want to burden you but I also don't want to shut you out.

I like you being part of me. I like being part of you.

If I hurt you I want to rectify it. There's no point in trying not to burden you if trying hurts you worse."

[ Crow's more than happy to hold Rean as long as he wants to be held. ]

Alright. I'll try to be clear about what I need. I don't want to make you second-guess that, not if I can help it.

[ He kisses Rean's forehead this time, letting loose a steady stream of love towards Rean. ]

....You know, I had a crazy impulsive thought for a moment there but the timing would've been shit. Remind me sometime when things have calmed down to bring it up. If you remember to on the "outside."

He sighs and presses his face to Crow's neck, greedily soaking in the love like a cat in a sunbeam. He's giving just as much love back, it's less calm than it was when Crow got here, still pretty frazzled, but no less intense and sincere. And calmer by far than a few minutes ago.

"I definitely want to know now ... but before that I want to clear something up. Earlier I really did upset you. I hurt you badly too.

I don't want to ignore that just because I got scared." No matter how legitimate his meltdown he's not going to gloss over Crow"s also legitimate hurt.

[ He's just going to keep projecting love at Rean, intense and unwavering and sincere. ]

It.... did hurt. You already said it, it's hard for me to be open and vulnerable. So even though I doubt you meant it that way, the idea that it wouldn't go both ways... well, it sucked. A lot. I guess even if I know there's reasons not to trust me, I still want it.

"It really has nothing to do with trusting you. I already trust you completely.

The only reason I didn't want to be blunt... well I know you won't like it."

But if Crow takes his reluctance as mistrust it's better to say something Crow will hate he supposes.

"It's because I don't think I'm worth the time. Not because I don't think it's safe to be vulnerable with you."

[ Rean's right, Crow's really not a fan of that. He's still projecting that steady stream of love, even if there's some layers of being vexed in there now. ]

You know, you need to be kinder to yourself. I wouldn't have been so interested in contracting with you, wouldn't love you if you weren't entirely worth it to me. And I don't believe those feelings mean only caring about some parts of you. I wanna make every part of you feel cared for, even the parts of you that don't feel worth it.

"At least before we focus on me... does that clear it up for you? I'm not distrusting you. I never have."

[ Crow nods once, seriously. ]

Yeah, that does make me feel better actually.

[ Sincerity. More love and affection and fondness. ]

"Good. If I'm ever reluctant it's because of my own issues.

I trust you with my soul and my heart. I don't ever want you to feel doubt for that."

I'll try to remember that.

[ He's still holding onto Rean, but he tries to shift so he can kiss the inside of Rean's wrist. ]

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