awakenerd | Aurora - Rean Heart

"I don't want to burden you. I know I'm a hypocrite. But... You do so much for me. Asking for any more... I can't. It's not that I think you're only interested in the good things or happy times. I have never once even considered that.

You're already always there looking out for me. At my age shouldn't it be the other way around?

Even if you disagree with that, I still don't want you to spend your time worrying about me."

[ Crow is quiet for a moment, locks up some feeling in his heart before it has a chance to fully form. ]

....Then I hope you understand when I start taking my memories on my own.

[ It'll take longer to regain them that way, but... ]

It's not like I want to worry you, either.

"..."

His heart doesn't try to hide the confused hurt here.

"That's not what I..."

[ He feels that confused hurt and he genuinely feels bad about it, but he tries to keep himself steady. ]

If you don't trust me, that's fine.

[ It's not like he isn't aware he can be shady as hell! ]

But you know... it's kinda painful to keep putting myself out there. And it feels pretty one-sided when I'm the only one who relies on you, when you don't rely on me back. So I'm keeping it equal.

I won't ask more of you than you can give me.

"...?"

He's even more upset, and more confused too, sitting up to look at Crow.

"I do trust you though."

But this is bad. He's hurt Crow. He doesn't know what to do about it either. He's also trying to keep calm but the fact that Crow is withdrawing from him emotionally here of all places, with him, is making him a little pale.

[ Crow sees the way Rean is going pale and he debates with himself for a moment before letting that feeling he locked up out. Rean's already guessed what it is anyway-- he's hurt. ]

You know it doesn't feel that way when you're more concerned about not burdening me, right?

I want you to feel like you can rely on me, like it's okay to lean on me. I want to be there for you. It doesn't sound like a burden if you let me worry about you-- that sounds like a privilege. Let me see the bad things, let me see the sad things. Let me see the ugly things. Because those things are a part of you too. And I love all of you, not just the parts you feel aren't a burden.

He steadies a little, but he's less relaxed. He's listening, his voice quiet.

"...Okay."

[ Crow sits up properly. ]

I... know I'm asking a lot of you. I'm sorry about that.

"N-no! No. You're not asking anything. I'm sorry. I didn't consider how you felt..."

Rean.

[ Crow pulls Rean closer to him, wraps his arms around him. ]

Your feelings are important, too.

"I really didn't think about how it might hurt you. I'm sorry."

It's alright, I don't expect you to be perfect. That's my job.

[ He's teasing, hoping to get a smile out of Rean. ]

He does smile! A little. He doesn't respond with sass though.

"Thanks."

[ Well, a smile is still an important start! ]

More seriously, I know you have a hard time caring about yourself.

[ LIKE, HE HAS NOTICED. ]

Buuut I'm always happy to pick up the slack there. So just rely on me and I'll rely on you. And if it's ever too much, I won't make you guess. Sound like a deal?

He looks at Crow for a long moment, still tense. Breathing in and out slowly.

He does know what Crow means of course. He absolutely does understand. And he wants to respond positively. But Crow closing him out was... Honestly bad. Very bad. He's having to sort through his own panic to try to be logical. He wants to just agree to appease Crow but that's the opposite of a good reason to agree. Figuring out if he wants to agree for himself is impossible right this second. And refusing to agree will only hurt Crow.

"Crow... Please give me... A moment."

He's still got that smile but it's kind of stiff.

[ Crow lets his own smile drop from his face and pulls away. ]

You know, I still meant what I said before... you can always tell me "no."

[ He can't promise he wouldn't pull away, but that's a measure of self-protection, even if he hadn't meant to hurt Rean with it. ]

So take all the time you need. And give me the answer that's right for you.

"...."

Crow pulls away and Rean gets tenser.

"I need to ask. What if I did say no? Would you close me out?"

[ Crow's quiet for a long moment, trying to collect his thoughts. To give Rean an honest answer. He would have to try very deliberately not to shut Rean out. It's instinct, self-preservation. It hurts too much to trust someone, to be open with him if he can't do the same in return.

But Rean is worth trying for. And really, maybe he deserves not to have that trust. It's not like hadn't screwed Rean over already here. "Dangersnake" was never far from his thoughts these days. ]

I won't shut you out.

[ He means it. ]

He exhales, eyes sliding closed and tears falling down his cheeks. The tension doesn't bleed out yet, but he tentatively puts his face on Crow's shoulder and shudders while his tears fall.

"You don't owe me--you don't have to feel guilty, please."

[ Crow wraps his arms slowly around Rean again. ]

Honestly, I think it's better if I do feel that guilt. If I remember how it feels, I won't make that mistake again. ...Hurting you wasn't worth it.

[ He strokes Rean's hair. ]

But... I wasn't agreeing because I think I owe you. At least, that wasn't the main reason. It's that even if you can't rely on me, even if it the thought hurts... you're always gonna be worth it to me.

He's shaking his head. Also shaking a little in general as the tension drains and he starts to cry harder. Which isn't actually helpful to explaining but Crow did want to see him vulnerable.

Well he's pretty shaken and holding onto Crow with an increasingly stronger grip. Never painful, but almost desperate.

"It's not that!"

[ Crow will continue to hold onto Rean, tightening his own grip in an attempt to help anchor him even if he doesn't understand the problem. ]

Man... if the problem isn't "I'm an untrustworthy asshole" then I don't actually know where I fucked up here.

He's shaking harder, wrapping his arms around Crow kind of... Clingy.

"Do you know where you are? What I am?"

I know I'm.... in some kind of representation of Rean and that you're a part of him.

[ So no, he doesn't realize this is the True Heart he's been speaking to. ]

"I am... I don't know what the right words should be. I am Me. All of Me but also the heart of Me. Of Rean. You, here, in my soul... You can see any aspect of me you want to.

But this, me, I'm me. Both the same and not the same as me outside. The heart of Rean's heart is me."

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